Assuming you don’t live under a rock where you are somehow able to view this blog, you are aware that DiGiorno has introduced its new Harvest Wheat Crust. For this segment we’re calling “Ads That Make So Much Sense!®” we now examine why DiGiorno’s print ad for this, the newest of their innovations, is so effective.
1.) A simple, concise, yet devestating slogan. Anyone in advertising will tell you that you have to grab the reader’s attention immediately or they’re gone. “Wheat bagels everywhere are waving the white flag” so undeniably and immediately strikes at the heart of the only possible direct competition of wheat pizza crust: the wheat bagel. Since the Great One has decreed that we must eat one, but only one, serving of whole wheat per any particular day, you think we’re gonna waste it on our bagel now that this crust has come into the picture? This could hail the beginning of a phenomenon not seen since Smuckers introduced Goober Grape and thus decimated the wine market.
2.) Cater to the widest demographic possible. In this ad, this advertising commandment is satisfied to a perfection by not portraying anyone of any demographic. Nevermind that to do so, the slice being served must be depicted as somehow elevating itself from the pizza. And you may be saying, “But why didn’t they at least just show a spatula lifting the slice?” Ah, yes, but a spatula implies a handed-person, and why narrow the appeal of this new product to that demographic if they don’t have to?
3.) Depict the product in its purest form. Imagine how gross it would have been if they showed the whole pizza sliced! Besides isn’t it so much easier to just make a single perfect v-cut that leaves the rest of the pizza untouched than to go ahead and cut straight across the thing 4 times which only gives you 7 more slices? Plus, this way, after you magically hover the single slice away, you merely need to find enough shelf space in your fridge for the entire width of the pizza. And what a perfect single slice that is, with all that luscious cheese somehow not severed during the cutting process!
4.) Whenever wheat is a key ingredient, show some wheat. Again, this campaign does this to a T. When you look at this ad, you can’t help but daydream of living in a simpler time when, after a morning of milling, you’d lay out a meticulous circle of stalks of some of the wheat you didn’t use in making your pizza crust from scratch, plop your piping hot pie on said circle, sit your hearty self down, find a way to cut the thing without making an incredible mess, and eat the lunch you deserve.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! First, I want to give you a shout out about your new show “Science or (Sigh) Whatever” on PBS. It’s good, as far as I can tell. Also, I was wondering: why does President Bush say “terroristsssss” instead of just “terrorists”? - Knowledge Lover in Nome, AK
Dear Knowledge Lover in Nome, AK - Well, “terrorists” is the plural of “terrorist.” This is a given. But our president, in his attempts to articulate policy in an era in which more people are doing terror than ever before, has obviously run up against the fact that we have had no way of articulating the plural of the plural of “terrorist” (i.e., when there is more than one terrorists). I believe the word he’s invented, “terroristssss,” is as good a solution as any.
St. Paul, MN - The releasing of urine out of a 23-year-old male St. Olaf University student onto the outside wall of the “Naughty Temptations” lampshade shop shook this normally quiet community Saturday evening as its citizens grew worried that they’d become the next target of Al-Qaeda, a terrorist club based in Pakistan.
After leaving Bryan’s Tap at approximately 1:30 am (exactly 1:34), Don Tarrinni signalled to his friends that they “Hold up! Yo! Hold up, dicks! I gotta piss!” a witness claimed. Though Mr. Tarrinni denies the act was premeditated, authorities claim that he, having smuggled the urine to the target in his own bladder, proceeded to release it onto perhaps St. Paul’s busiest seller of lampshades and lampshade accessories.
“This was an attempt to disrupt commerce smack in the middle of our country,” declared Sheriff Mike Berrar or Behre. “And we believe this crime has all the signs of being the work of Al-Qaeda. The perpetrator is kind of tan and dark-haired like they are. The crime was very sophisticated in its planning and execution. The perpetrator is known to have recently visited Cancun, which he had never done previously. Why would he suddenly go there? We think he probably met with several other key Al-Qaeda operatives there.”
Acquaintances of Mr. Tarrinni, who’s now being held temporarily in Guantanamo Bay where he is not allowed to speak to other inmates or to blink or imagine things, were shocked to hear the news of his possible involvement in a crime of this nature. “I would never guess Don could do this. He was always just a, you know, good student who at the worst would go out and get really drunk once in a while,” said one friend.
In attempting to freeze Mr. Tarrinni’s assets, authorities realized there was no need as his account had less than the minimal amount that can be withdrawn from an ATM.
- DIDYAKNOW Humphrey Bogart never actually says, “Play it again, Sam” in “Casablanca,” AND Dustin Hoffman never actually gets impaled by a charging rhino IN “KRAMER VS. KRAMER”!
- DIDYAKNOW that life after college IS SO HARD!
- DIDYAKNOW dogs only see in black and white. That’s right! They really have NO GRASP OF THE COMPLEXITIES OF SO MANY ISSUES OF TODAY’S WORLD!
“I was at a BBQ and [sic] I ran into the aunt of one of my friends. I only met her once, but I remember we had a pretty good talk about family, church, and stuff. Anyway, so I see her again now and she sees me. We say hi and I went to grab her bosom and tongue kiss her, but she puts out her hand for a handshake and so I switch at the last second to shake her hand instead, but now she’s switched to half-heartedly massage my crotch and pour hot candle wax on my nipples…Anyway, just very awkward, but funny as I look back on it.” - Butch Morris, Pure Plains, TN
