Bush Accidentally Says, “I’m a Jelly Doughnut” when Trying to Speak English - President Bush, addressing the Board of Commerce of Chicago this morning, attempted to greet the board members with a “Today, I’m a Chicagoan!” in their own language, English. But what the board members heard, when strictly translating what Bush said into English was closer to “I’m a jelly doughnut!” Bush realized he flubbed and shrugged when he heard the good-humored chuckles of his audience. “Hey, at least he tried to greet us in English. I think that was tremendously respectful to our culture,” said board member Daniel Dixon.
“Toe” to Be Added to Dictionary - The wordphiles at The New Oxford American Dictionary announced that along with “podcast,” “texting,” and “butogl” they would be adding “toe” for the first time to this year’s edition of the popular book that tells you what things are. “It’s simply undeniable, for better or worse, that ‘toe’ is becoming a widely-used and widely-understood term in The United States these days,” explained TNOAD editor Katherine Pressley. The word “toe” was introduced to our vernacular as teenagers came up with the slang term for the terminal digit of the foot in the mid-1300s, but it was soon part of seemingly almost everyone’s vocabulary, young or old, within less than 700 years. “I can’t believe we’re legitimizing this disgusting word that was basically invented by rapscallions. ‘One-fifth of the foot fist’ was a perfectly reasonable and honorable way of referring to that thing!” lamented Mrs. Orville, 76, of Byron, Ohio. Oh, well, guess we can’t always get what we wa-toe-nt!
Pheron, who lived several centuries prior to the birth of Jesus H. Christ, the main character of the Bible, is considered the leader of a school of thought typically referred to as something. Pheron’s apprentice and another influential ancient Athenian thinker, John Cho, wrote the Pheronic dialogues to record the man’s philosophies and dialectic methods which influence Western and Mid-Western thought today still. One of them is right below:
Eledian
Child: Dear Pheron, I am sorry to interrupt what appears to be yourself doing laundry.
Pheron: It is not for you to worry. I do laundry for to appear presentable to others. It would not make sense to expult company for the reason of doing something meant to impress company.
Child: Yes. You have often thankfully taught me to care what others think. However, I am troubled on another matter.
Pheron: Please. I wish very much for you to tell me of your troubles. I am, after all, not being sarcastic.
Child: Someone appears to have entered the home of myself and my mother and stolen much of our grain.
Pheron: That is truly the opposite of pleasant. But I daresay that Eledian stole this grain you speak of.
Child: What a singular solution! How could you be so confident as to your knowing of this?
Pheron: Eledian is of the color of the most black of olives.
Child: I feel that there must be more to this solution.
Pheron: Many citizens think that those colored of the black olives steal, therefore, would it not make sense that Eledian, who is one of the black olive colored, stole your mother’s grain?
Child: Your logic is compelling, but you seem to have not considered those of light complexion who have said explicitly that they hate my mother because of how she has often stolen food from them. They’ve also sworn to steal food back from her.
Pheron: True, but does not that Eledian have a weird way about him? All shifty eyed?
Child: Yes, that is true, Pheron. But…
Pheron: Therefore, we must conclude that he took the grain.
Child: Yes. Good point. Thank you, Pheron, for showing me this truth. But however shall I obtain my mother’s grain from this Eledian?
Pheron: You should nicely ask him to return it.
Child: I would be startled if that were to work.
Pheron: I am breaking your balls. You should harm him.
DIDYAKNOW that the mug was originally invented as a religion! It was only after the second disastrous Mugmas that a certain peasant woman realized that all she believed in was wrong. Crushed at this realization, the woman did however discover that her “religion” was an excellent means of distributing MEAD TO HER MOUTH!
DIDYAKNOW that the ant can carry more than 100 times its weight! If a human could do that, he’d be able to lift the equivalent of a heavy TV with NO STRAIN!
Bailey McAdams here, right-wing columnist for TheDirk.com.
Anyway, the Liberals fought the anti-flag-burning amendment tooth and long, prissy nail once again. Is it any wonder the economy is falling apart? What I love is that the Democrats are for burning the flag, the very symbol of the country and all it stands for, but they’re against even the mere burning of the houses of Iraqi families. Seems hypocritical to me, but, hey, no more Mr. A-hole Guy for me.
You see, I designed a flag just for the Liberals, and they can burn it all they want, so they can leave our flag alone. (Below is the official flag description.)
(1) Upon a blue field in the canton, 19 white stars, each representing one of the 19 typically Democratic-voting states. White quote marks around each to symbolize that, however, these “Democratic states” actually belong to the Republican-run country of which they are a mere part.
(2) Large amount of empty blue space (remaining after the very few Democratic states are accounted for) represents Liberals’ belief in leaving undeveloped land fallow and untouched by progress and productivity and malls.
(3) Alternating red and white stripes, the colors of which do noticeably run, represent nothing, which is most likely “cool” with Liberals.
(4) Colors of lower-half of the flag are those of the Mexican standard, symbolizing the Liberals’ firmly-held belief that illegal Mexican immigrants may enter this country at will and have the right to everything under the sun, even emergency health care.
(5) Horizontally-displayed through the center of the standard, printed the sentence “You may tread on me. Can I also offer you a joint or vegetarian jerky?” Thus representing the ideal Liberals have expressed, through their displeasure with the Iraq War of 2003-?, that terrorists should be allowed to enter our country at will and kill our children.
(6) Displayed in the lower-center of the standard, an eagle and squirrel in romantic embrace. This suggests the Liberal practice of defying the law of God to allow any kind of unnatural act such as gay marriage or long hair for men.
- Traffic School Tops U.S. News Ranking! For the first time, a traffic school gained the coveted top spot on the U.S. News and World Report top college rankings this year. Debbie Ferguson of the Sherman Oaks Funny Bonz Traffic School in Sherman Oaks, CA, credits her institution’s success to the fact that, among the pool of stand-up comedians that teach the 8-hour classes people take either to further educate themselves on the ways of driving or to clear their traffic record, she’s somehow managed to acquire the services of Bill Cosby and Jerry Seinfeld. “I also feel that our school’s cutting-edge research, which challenges some of the assumptions about how many yards ahead of an intersection you truly need to signal has put us in the academic limelight,” Ms. Ferguson insighted.
The School of Hard Knox and How About the University of I Kick Your Ass Unless You Shut the F Up? took the number 4 and 5 spots, respectively, under Princeton University.
- Gay Marriage Wrong! This Sunday, Rick Santorum, some guy in Congress, actually convinced the country’s homosexual population and liberal-Democratic contingent that their belief that gay marriage should be legal is in fact wrong. “When he got on ‘Face the Nation’ and said, ‘gay marriage is wrong; it just is,’ that totally made sense to me. I can’t believe that that never occurred to me before,” said Burkes Arlington, who, until Sunday, was gay. When Sheila Ford of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force stated on the popular political chat show that there is no evidence of any kind that gay marriage would adversely affect society in any way, Mr. Santorum replied, “Yeah. But it would.” Ms. Ford then responded that he was right and that she was wrong and apologized.
SPORTS!
Chicago Bulls 106
Denver Broncos 14
In the first inter-sport match in American professional sports history, the Bulls won because the sport they used, basketball, lends itself to much higher scoring than typically occurs through playing football, which is the sport the Bronco’s used in the match.
Thousands of you, nay, several of you replied to TheDirk.com post of June 29, 2006AD with what your porn star name was when applying the rules of first name is the name of your childhood pet, and your last name is the name of the street you grew up on. Here are the top four thus far:
1.) General Huge Erection (of the Penis)
2.) Ms. McFancySchmancy 23rd
3.) Everytime I Eat Ketchup, I Want to Maek Love. (Almost a full English sentence!! Darn you, Want to Maek Love. Ave.!)
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How do plants nourish themselves? - Plant Lover in Prior Springs, MI
Dear, Plant Lover A plant will first acquire its “food” (really just the sunlight) and “put it in its mouth” and “chew and swallow” “it.”
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Hey, one of my friends told me that the tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable. I was very surprised to hear this. Is it true? - Wonderin’ in Wichita, KS
Dear, Wonderin’ in Wichita The scientific definition of fruit is that it be stuff like apples and oranges and all that. The tomato does not belong to this category (or, if it did, it would be very surprising).
