Quick Headlines!
Here’s Some Quick Headlines!
- Traffic School Tops U.S. News Ranking! For the first time, a traffic school gained the coveted top spot on the U.S. News and World Report top college rankings this year. Debbie Ferguson of the Sherman Oaks Funny Bonz Traffic School in Sherman Oaks, CA, credits her institution’s success to the fact that, among the pool of stand-up comedians that teach the 8-hour classes people take either to further educate themselves on the ways of driving or to clear their traffic record, she’s somehow managed to acquire the services of Bill Cosby and Jerry Seinfeld. “I also feel that our school’s cutting-edge research, which challenges some of the assumptions about how many yards ahead of an intersection you truly need to signal has put us in the academic limelight,” Ms. Ferguson insighted.
The School of Hard Knox and How About the University of I Kick Your Ass Unless You Shut the F Up? took the number 4 and 5 spots, respectively, under Princeton University.
- Gay Marriage Wrong! This Sunday, Rick Santorum, some guy in Congress, actually convinced the country’s homosexual population and liberal-Democratic contingent that their belief that gay marriage should be legal is in fact wrong. “When he got on ‘Face the Nation’ and said, ‘gay marriage is wrong; it just is,’ that totally made sense to me. I can’t believe that that never occurred to me before,” said Burkes Arlington, who, until Sunday, was gay. When Sheila Ford of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force stated on the popular political chat show that there is no evidence of any kind that gay marriage would adversely affect society in any way, Mr. Santorum replied, “Yeah. But it would.” Ms. Ford then responded that he was right and that she was wrong and apologized.
SPORTS!
Chicago Bulls 106
Denver Broncos 14
In the first inter-sport match in American professional sports history, the Bulls won because the sport they used, basketball, lends itself to much higher scoring than typically occurs through playing football, which is the sport the Bronco’s used in the match.