Archive for June, 2006
Father’s Day Card for PitchforkMedia.com Critics’ Dads!
Thursday, June 15th, 2006Quotes from “Ol’ Coach” Murphy
Thursday, June 15th, 2006As you know, in the early ’70s, Coach Barry Murphy of Mt. Saint Claire High inspired his Bisons to a winning 52-51-1 record during his long career. He’s dead, but his special brand of football philosophy lives on to inspire, not just the continuing generations of football players, but also other people. Here are some of “Ol’ Coach”‘s most popular locker room quotes:
“Show me a man who’s succeeded without having failed along the way, and I’ll show you this one dog that actually dates human men. I think that’s more impressive, because lots of men have succeeded without having failed along the way.”
“Because we’ve been practicing in the rain, your cleats are really wet. I suggest, when you get home and take them off, that you put rolls of newspaper in them. That will soak up the uh…whadyacallit…the moisture.”
“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? I think it’s because points attained in sports competitions are a weird kind of nourishment for the Gods.”
“The only way they’re going to stop me from coaching this team is if they carry me out.”
Funny T-shirts Here!
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006Select from our wide variety of t-shirts on which we put a famous logo and then crammed whatever funny words we could into it!
We also got us retro t-shirts! Look!
Optical Illusions for Fun!
Monday, June 12th, 2006
These are optical illusions!
Q: The picture below is just of a pretty lady, correct? Are you sure?
A: Well, look at it upside down! It’s also a picture of a bearded guy! (The woman’s symetrically placed moles are his eyes, her bizarre body is his hat, etc.)
Q: Stand in the desert for approximately 71-72 hours. See the “water”?
A: No, you don’t. It’s not water; it’s some kind of illusion!
Christ! Another Political Cartoonz Lesson!
Friday, June 9th, 2006
How the F? Levitation
Thursday, June 8th, 2006How the F®…did Criss Angel, mind freak, levitate that woman randomly plucked from the crowds of strolling Las Vegas tourists? Well, let’s look at a diagram of the basic levitation trick…
Note that the woman is laying completely stiff. Also, notice how the showman positions his hands.
Now, if’n we examine more closely under the platform, you’ll see that there appear to be no structures upon which said platform is resting. We can, therefore, assume that this “levitation” is actually accomplished, while the performer distracts the viewer with his hands, simply through the use of magic. Act casual when doing this trick; confidence is your best—but not necessarily foxiest—assistant!
The 192nd image found when Googling “Criss Angel”
New Bumper Sticker for America!
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006Put this up on your truck, America! Just print out and somehow make a bumper sticker out of it!
What to Say After You’ve Done Laundry!
Monday, June 5th, 2006
Basics:
- “Cleaned me some garments, bitches!”
- “Clean clothes. Second next best thing to new clothes.”
Someone else: “What’s the first next best thing?”
“Gettin’ busy with ladies and broads!”
- If you’re in the KKK: “Oh, why does my sheet look so crisp and white? 24 simple words: ‘Let’s just say my bottle of Joy or whatever laundry detergent I use is quite a bit lighter than it was earlier this morning.’”
- Prank: Hide. When a roommate smells your clothes and says, “Is there a mountain in here? I think I smell a rushing spring,” let them freak out a little as they look for the mountain, prepare for glaciers, set up camp, bear-proof the provisions, etc. THEN, pop out and say, “Mountain Spring Tide! That’s what I used to wash my garments!”
- To stripper girlfriend: “Your metallic nipple tassels were sparking in the dryer; set the laundromat aflame. So I hung ‘em out back on the clothes line. Various birds seemed intrigued by them due to their glinting in the sun. But I think they’ll be okay. Birds are descended from dinosaurs, but they ain’t dinosaurs, if you know what I’m sayin’! So there’s only so much damage they can do to your sturdy tassels!”
- How to bring it up subtly to impress a person at work: While at the vending machine, stare at your fistful of dimes, pennies, and 2-bits and say, “Huh. I thought I had a bunch of quarters, but…Oh! That’s right! I used them at the laundromat!”
Others:
- “One of the negative effects of your little spree has gone bye-bye, butthole: Check out how most of the blood has been washed out of this pant leg!”
- “Someone shotgunned a can of Clamato at the laundromat!”
- “Guess who did one of those things any normal human being who hopes to survive in the modern world does? Me, beeeeatch!!”
- “My ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt is clean.”
The Dialogues of Pheron!
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006Pheron, who lived several centuries prior to the birth of Jesus H. Christ, the main character of the Bible, is considered the leader of a school of thought called mediocre. Pheron’s apprentice and another influential ancient Athenian thinker, John Cho, wrote the Pheronic dialogues to record the man’s philosophies and dialectic methods which influence Western and Mid-Western thought today still. One of them is right below:
Sparta
Student: Pheron! I am sorry. I seem to be interrupting the process by which you are preparing your dinner.
Pheron: Please do not be sorry for your company. For, all I would do other fucking wise is eat in peace while reading a good scroll.
Student: Our government has announced that it wishes to attack Sparta!
Pheron: Sparta? Why?
Student: It appears that they may be have purposefully trained men to be strong in order for military purposes.
Pheron: Oh. Yes. We should attack Sparta.
Student: But you seemed not to have previously given thought to these men of Sparta before I mentioned them to you.
Pheron: But if they are training such men, they must be considering destroying our world.
Student: But what if they are, instead, training these men merely for purposes of defense of their country?
Pheron: Why would they be concerned with that? No one wishes to attack them. Also, as I think further upon it, I also think we must attack this country of Spartans for they are using enriched uranium to create nuclear weapons.
Student: What you have just spoken is very confusing to me, Pheron.
Pheron: Nuclear bombs are a weapon which may destroy millions of people upon the strike of ‘t.
Student: This sounds far superior to anything I’ve heard of. Can you prove that these soldiers possess such a thing?
Pheron: Of course not. For, they are Spartans. They would hide such a weapon with such effort as it would be near impossible for anyone to observe the weapon itself.
Student: But…uh…
Pheron: Their megalomaniac leader years ago also demanded the expulsion of many of our observers of that country. Thus, he must have something to hide. The only other option would be that his machismo nature was unable to reconcile with these observers from an enemy country telling him what to do. Thus, by process of elimination, this option cannot be the explanation. Therefore, the other option, that he must be hiding something, is true. This something, therefore, must be nuclear arms and men who exercise.
Student: That’s true. You are correct. We should attack. Thank you for showing me this truth.
Pheron: ‘kay.
Today Yesterday!
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
On June 1st in years past, these awesome historical things happened!
2002: Despite several pleas by his fellow sales team members to not do so, Ronald Bransfield re-invents the wheel during a meeting RE: the quarterly sales strategy.
1985: Writer Stephen King wins the Nobel Prize in Literature for Christine, which the Nobel Committee praises as being “scary as shit.”
1938: The first issue of Action Comics, debuting the character of Superman, was published. And, in this first adventure, Superman, who would not be given the power of flight until a few issues later, could only walk or run and, instead of being invulnerable to bullets, he could be greatly harmed by them, even potentially killed.
1909: A 20-year-old Adolf Hitler applies to architectural school with his blueprint for a proposed hotel. He is rejected because, as the admissions officials of Der Arkiteture Uffenheimer wrote, “if built as designed, the structure implied by the applicant’s blueprint would resemble not as much a hotel as an army of millions of soldiers killing Jews.”
