See um the Mother’s Day card for Pitchfork critics’ mums!

As you know, in the early ’70s, Coach Barry Murphy of Mt. Saint Claire High inspired his Bisons to a winning 52-51-1 record during his long career. He’s dead, but his special brand of football philosophy lives on to inspire, not just the continuing generations of football players, but also other people. Here are some of “Ol’ Coach”’s most popular locker room quotes:

“Show me a man who’s succeeded without having failed along the way, and I’ll show you this one dog that actually dates human men. I think that’s more impressive, because lots of men have succeeded without having failed along the way.”

“Because we’ve been practicing in the rain, your cleats are really wet. I suggest, when you get home and take them off, that you put rolls of newspaper in them. That will soak up the uh…whadyacallit…the moisture.”

“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? I think it’s because points attained in sports competitions are a weird kind of nourishment for the Gods.”

“The only way they’re going to stop me from coaching this team is if they carry me out.”

Select from our wide variety of t-shirts on which we put a famous logo and then crammed whatever funny words we could into it!

We also got us retro t-shirts! Look!

These are optical illusions!

Q: The picture below is just of a pretty lady, correct? Are you sure?

A: Well, look at it upside down! It’s also a picture of a bearded guy! (The woman’s symetrically placed moles are his eyes, her bizarre body is his hat, etc.)

Q: Stand in the desert for approximately 71-72 hours. See the “water”?

A: No, you don’t. It’s not water; it’s some kind of illusion!

Click here for another political cartoon lesson!

And Click for past political cartoon lessons!

How the F^®…did Criss Angel, mind freak, levitate that woman randomly plucked from the crowds of strolling Las Vegas tourists? Well, let’s look at a diagram of the basic levitation trick…

Note that the woman is laying completely stiff. Also, notice how the showman positions his hands.

Now, if’n we examine more closely under the platform, you’ll see that there appear to be no structures upon which said platform is resting. We can, therefore, assume that this “levitation” is actually accomplished, while the performer distracts the viewer with his hands, simply through the use of magic. Act casual when doing this trick; confidence is your best—but not necessarily foxiest—assistant!

The 192nd image found when Googling “Criss Angel”

Put this up on your truck, America! Just print out and somehow make a bumper sticker out of it!

World Actually Did End Today

The world did end today, June 6, 2006, as Jay Leno, his assistant producer, ex-NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and 5 billion others died in an indescribably terrible inferno. Anticipated by the songs of rock and roll band Iron Maiden as well as several other pop culture phenomenons such as horror film “The Omen” and book “The Bible,” which all mention 666 as being, approximately, the Number of the Beast, today’s end of the world resulted in the end of the Iraq conflict, the closing of LA-favorite chow haunt “Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles,” and precipitated a drastic drop in fuel prices.

In what should have been a bureaucratic nightmare, the portioning of the Chosen to admittance to Heaven and the oppressors to Hell was administered very swiftly by armies of somewhat horrifying manbeasts and four horsemen adorned in cutesy thematic outfits.

The Devil reportedly added insult to injury as those who were assigned to Hell (but didn’t yet know it) were greeted with what appeared to be the glorious Gates of St. Peter. Then, just as the relieved souls broke into jubilee at what they thought would be an afterlife in Paradise, a giggling Satan revealed that the gates were indeed a cardboard facade propped in front of the yawning chasm of Damnation through which the souls will enter an eternity of immense pain that will never wane.

In Heaven, as Ice Cube began recording sessions with Bach, several fear a deep rift in the serenity as enraged conservatives, who discovered during an informal meet-and-greet that God is indeed fine with gay marriage, have stated that they will be forsaking the Lord and will instead be worshipping a deity even higher than God who they’re calling “Dan.” “We thought God was infallible,” a Mr. Santorum said. “But it turns out He’s wrong. So we made up Dan, who, by the way, has decreed that gays are evil.”

Basics:

- “Cleaned me some garments, bitches!”

- “Clean clothes. Second next best thing to new clothes.”

Someone else: “What’s the first next best thing?”

“Gettin’ busy with ladies and broads!”

- If you’re in the KKK: “Oh, why does my sheet look so crisp and white? 24 simple words: ‘Let’s just say my bottle of Joy or whatever laundry detergent I use is quite a bit lighter than it was earlier this morning.’”

- Prank: Hide. When a roommate smells your clothes and says, “Is there a mountain in here? I think I smell a rushing spring,” let them freak out a little as they look for the mountain, prepare for glaciers, set up camp, bear-proof the provisions, etc. THEN, pop out and say, “Mountain Spring Tide! That’s what I used to wash my garments!”

- To stripper girlfriend: “Your metallic nipple tassels were sparking in the dryer; set the laundromat aflame. So I hung ‘em out back on the clothes line. Various birds seemed intrigued by them due to their glinting in the sun. But I think they’ll be okay. Birds are descended from dinosaurs, but they ain’t dinosaurs, if you know what I’m sayin’! So there’s only so much damage they can do to your sturdy tassels!”

- How to bring it up subtly to impress a person at work: While at the vending machine, stare at your fistful of dimes, pennies, and 2-bits and say, “Huh. I thought I had a bunch of quarters, but…Oh! That’s right! I used them at the laundromat!”

Others:

- “One of the negative effects of your little spree has gone bye-bye, butthole: Check out how most of the blood has been washed out of this pant leg!”

- “Someone shotgunned a can of Clamato at the laundromat!”

- “Guess who did one of those things any normal human being who hopes to survive in the modern world does? Me, beeeeatch!!”

- “My ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt is clean.”