Bill Gates Achieves Most Expensive Sarcastic Statement Ever

Redmond, WA - Bill Gates, Founder and Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, was not happy with the PowerPoint presentation he had his administrative assistant, Terry Wyle, put together for his executive staff meeting. “Almost none of titles for the slides came flying into screen or swirling in from the center or any of that kind of animation stuff. And our company put a lot of trouble into creating PowerPoint,” Mr. Gates lamented. “And you obviously can’t have a meaningful presentation unless stuff is swirling around and flying in from the sides.”

When asked by Ms. Wyle if Mr. Gates was okay with the presentation, Mr. Gates, who’s attained a fortune of over $45 billion through his building of the Microsoft brand as well as always packing a lunch, decided he wouldn’t just respond with the typical sarcasm. “Rolling my eyes and just saying, ‘Yeah. Real nice’ wasn’t going to do it. She’s heard that before.”

So, Mr. Gates did sarcasm as only Mr. Gates could. First he had a cake made with “Nice with the no animation! Yeah. Nice touch!” written on it in icing. He then chartered a jet — airbrushed with the name of his assistant — to fly Ms. Wyle to Switzerland, all expenses paid. Then, “I had the folks of U2 write one of their arena anthem-type songs and had them title it ‘Staticticity’ which I wanted to be a celebration of no animation.” But, the trouble was, to truly get the best song possible, Mr. Gates wanted to tap the enormous raw talent of the earlier incarnation of the Irish rockstars.

“I funded the invention of a time machine and went back to I think it was 1981. I feathered my hair and put on leg warmers so I could gain the trust of those who lived in that time period. I then had to sort of explain who I was to the young Bono and the band, and how my company had invented a means of travelling time. I also had to threaten their lives a little bit to not actually release the song until I phoned them 25 years later and tell them they could.” Threaten their lives? “Well, I paid God enough that he suspended the authority of the Sixth Commandment for these 20-some odd years. Of course this means a lot of murderers during this time got into Heaven without being punished, and the other souls in Heaven are rebelling because of that and, therefore, there’s chaos that endangers the universe itself, but I just really wanted to do this right.”

But his trip to Heaven and early-80s Ireland is not the only time-travelling Mr. Gates enjoyed. He also went back to 1901 to convince a startled Alfred Nobel to include a PowerPoint category in the annual Nobel Prize lineup. “Also, while I was there, the guy had the gall to proudly tell me that he invented dynamite. I said, ‘Oh. That’s very pretty. All I ever did was pioneer personal computing, get myself gazillions of dollars, invent a time machine, and bribe the Lord. That’s all I’ve done. But you’ve invented dynamite, the red stick with a fuse you see in cartoons! Clappy clap!’”

Wielding their talent for building monopolies, Microsoft also cornered the market on the actual minds of the Swedish people (now bundled with the Windows XP software). This allowed the software giant to manipulate the votes of the members of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. So, after being seranaded in her hotel room by U2, Ms. Wyle was scooped up by a chocolate limousine and taken to the first ever Nobel PowerPoint Prize ceremony where she was awarded the medal to thunderous sarcastic ovation. At which point, Oprah Winfrey immediately grabbed it back and said, “Not!”

Ms. Wyle apologized for her shabby work and stayed late at the office to rework the presentation.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 at 1:19 pm and is filed under Headline. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.