Headline - 666
World Actually Did End Today
The world did end today, June 6, 2006, as Jay Leno, his assistant producer, ex-NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and 5 billion others died in an indescribably terrible inferno. Anticipated by the songs of rock and roll band Iron Maiden as well as several other pop culture phenomenons such as horror film “The Omen” and book “The Bible,” which all mention 666 as being, approximately, the Number of the Beast, today’s end of the world resulted in the end of the Iraq conflict, the closing of LA-favorite chow haunt “Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles,” and precipitated a drastic drop in fuel prices.
In what should have been a bureaucratic nightmare, the portioning of the Chosen to admittance to Heaven and the oppressors to Hell was administered very swiftly by armies of somewhat horrifying manbeasts and four horsemen adorned in cutesy thematic outfits.
The Devil reportedly added insult to injury as those who were assigned to Hell (but didn’t yet know it) were greeted with what appeared to be the glorious Gates of St. Peter. Then, just as the relieved souls broke into jubilee at what they thought would be an afterlife in Paradise, a giggling Satan revealed that the gates were indeed a cardboard facade propped in front of the yawning chasm of Damnation through which the souls will enter an eternity of immense pain that will never wane.
In Heaven, as Ice Cube began recording sessions with Bach, several fear a deep rift in the serenity as enraged conservatives, who discovered during an informal meet-and-greet that God is indeed fine with gay marriage, have stated that they will be forsaking the Lord and will instead be worshipping a deity even higher than God who they’re calling “Dan.” “We thought God was infallible,” a Mr. Santorum said. “But it turns out He’s wrong. So we made up Dan, who, by the way, has decreed that gays are evil.”
June 8th, 2006 at 9:50 pm
Ronald Wilson Reagan was the antichrist!!! This is no laughing matter. The talking Image of the Beast already exists in the form of a talking doll. See http://GregoryGordon.com And the presidential coin act will honor each president with his own dollar coin. So in 2016 unless things changh drastically everyone who lives in New York City and puts money in the Metrocard machine will be forced to take on the mark of the Beast. “No man may buy or Sell without…” it. (Rev 13:7).
June 8th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
As for gays being evil see: I’ve provided a link to a very scholarly article. footnotes and all that backs my theory that the first chosen of the lord are gay. In fact Artie said on the show God ain’t no fruit. No but the passge I referred to mentions that the first chosen are. Truth be told they are called first fruits. (Rev 14:1-5) http://www.well.com/user/aquarius/thesis.htm
June 17th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
I called this guy a “kook” in an e-mail I sent out. But after reading these comments again, I apologize to him. I don’t know Gregory, but his spirit is good as you can see by what he says here.
June 30th, 2006 at 3:21 am
Thank you dvoetberg for the apology. But more than that it is important to warn your family and friends about the money with Reagan’s picture on it. And you can do it. Simply send out the an Email to the same list warning them that the coin is coming. Thank you once again.