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These are jokes!

Q: How, uh, how many Polish-Americans does it take to couple an NRC3 Maintainer to a T-Processor Reactor?

A: 15! (It should take no more than 11 if they know what they’re doing.)

Ted Wojchowski, 10, Mt. Carmel School, Chicago, IL

Q: I just can’t seem to talk to people at school without irritating them. Is there something wrong with me?

A: (Punchline not provided.)

Sally Brown, 7, Temper Flats, OH

Hey!!!

Here’s a great thing to do! Figure out what your porno star name would be!

First! What is the name of your childhood pet? Think of it in your mind. This is the first name of your porno star name!

Now! What is the name of the street you grew up on? That is your porno last name!

Do it! It totally worx!!! A friend of mine got Sir Huge Cock and Nuts, and my porno name turns out to be Jenna Jameson!

If’n you’re a porn star: Use the porno name you use! Try it! It totally worx!!!

Bill Gates Achieves Most Expensive Sarcastic Statement Ever

Redmond, WA - Bill Gates, Founder and Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, was not happy with the PowerPoint presentation he had his administrative assistant, Terry Wyle, put together for his executive staff meeting. “Almost none of titles for the slides came flying into screen or swirling in from the center or any of that kind of animation stuff. And our company put a lot of trouble into creating PowerPoint,” Mr. Gates lamented. “And you obviously can’t have a meaningful presentation unless stuff is swirling around and flying in from the sides.”

When asked by Ms. Wyle if Mr. Gates was okay with the presentation, Mr. Gates, who’s attained a fortune of over $45 billion through his building of the Microsoft brand as well as always packing a lunch, decided he wouldn’t just respond with the typical sarcasm. “Rolling my eyes and just saying, ‘Yeah. Real nice’ wasn’t going to do it. She’s heard that before.”

So, Mr. Gates did sarcasm as only Mr. Gates could. First he had a cake made with “Nice with the no animation! Yeah. Nice touch!” written on it in icing. He then chartered a jet — airbrushed with the name of his assistant — to fly Ms. Wyle to Switzerland, all expenses paid. Then, “I had the folks of U2 write one of their arena anthem-type songs and had them title it ‘Staticticity’ which I wanted to be a celebration of no animation.” But, the trouble was, to truly get the best song possible, Mr. Gates wanted to tap the enormous raw talent of the earlier incarnation of the Irish rockstars.

“I funded the invention of a time machine and went back to I think it was 1981. I feathered my hair and put on leg warmers so I could gain the trust of those who lived in that time period. I then had to sort of explain who I was to the young Bono and the band, and how my company had invented a means of travelling time. I also had to threaten their lives a little bit to not actually release the song until I phoned them 25 years later and tell them they could.” Threaten their lives? “Well, I paid God enough that he suspended the authority of the Sixth Commandment for these 20-some odd years. Of course this means a lot of murderers during this time got into Heaven without being punished, and the other souls in Heaven are rebelling because of that and, therefore, there’s chaos that endangers the universe itself, but I just really wanted to do this right.”

But his trip to Heaven and early-80s Ireland is not the only time-travelling Mr. Gates enjoyed. He also went back to 1901 to convince a startled Alfred Nobel to include a PowerPoint category in the annual Nobel Prize lineup. “Also, while I was there, the guy had the gall to proudly tell me that he invented dynamite. I said, ‘Oh. That’s very pretty. All I ever did was pioneer personal computing, get myself gazillions of dollars, invent a time machine, and bribe the Lord. That’s all I’ve done. But you’ve invented dynamite, the red stick with a fuse you see in cartoons! Clappy clap!’”

Wielding their talent for building monopolies, Microsoft also cornered the market on the actual minds of the Swedish people (now bundled with the Windows XP software). This allowed the software giant to manipulate the votes of the members of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. So, after being seranaded in her hotel room by U2, Ms. Wyle was scooped up by a chocolate limousine and taken to the first ever Nobel PowerPoint Prize ceremony where she was awarded the medal to thunderous sarcastic ovation. At which point, Oprah Winfrey immediately grabbed it back and said, “Not!”

Ms. Wyle apologized for her shabby work and stayed late at the office to rework the presentation.

Our resident Amazon reviewer’s tough! Click here to see how he proves the incompetence of Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane!

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! When a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? - Herman in Huron, ND

Dear Herman in Huron, ND - Yes, it does, as witnessed by scientists here at the University.

What’s up, ‘ho? Here’s some more office humor cliches we think need to be refreshed!!!

When someone is introducing their new boyfriend around the office and he’s being told the name of about 30 of your coworkers:

OLD: “You better remember all these names! There’ll be a quiz later! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Hey.”

When someone is introducing their new boyfriend around the office and they introduce you as “my friend�:

OLD: “I pay her to say that! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Yeah. Hey.”

When someone says that they’ll be presenting a PowerPoint and, therefore, need that “projector thingy� set up in the conference room:

OLD: “‘Projector thingy.’ Is that the technical term? Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Okay.”

Whenever someone says anything that you don’t have another joke ready for:

OLD: “Hey! That’d make a great name for a band!” For example, if someone says, “The vending machine sandwiches look old,” you’d say, “That’d make a great name for a band! ‘The Vending Machines Sandwiches’! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: (silence)

Celebratin’ Slate.com’s 10th anniversary, our staff decided to contribute to our favorite Slate column, “Explainer”:

As you wonder why, your egotistical knee-jerk reaction of course is to assume that they didn’t “get it,” or that you were probably sabotaged, if even passive aggressively.

“It’s easy, maybe even in your genetic makeup to assume that you were conspired against or even figuratively screwed. For example, you may automatically find yourself wondering if Mark told Kristen what you’d said,” Brenda Reginald, lead researcher at the Hughes Initiative Institute (HII), observes. “But it’s simply not true. We’ve found through various controlled double-blind experiments that Mark kept to his promise. He didn’t even see Kristen this last week; he was at the Franklin Day Planner seminar.”

Well, then, it must be that you’re surrounded by incompetence or indifference that dragged you down in a way not comparable to the proverbial Dutch boy with his finger plugging the dyke, right?

“Well, even if there were a competency issue at your work, this particular instance was mostly yours to control.” This according to none other than, yes, Kolia VanBragen author of the watershed Okay, So I Was Wrong, It Wasn’t Wednesday, It Was Tuesday. But My Point’s Still the Same, Which Is...

And, finally, our HII guru Reginald debunks another common old wives’ tale – the ubiquitous “I bet the colors of what I sent them didn’t come across on their screen and, because of that, the little logo thing wound up looking like a vagina, which they won’t just dislike but may even find intentionally offensive.”

“No. They have great monitors,” Reginald insists. “Nothing looked more than even 38% vagina to them.”

So, then, why? “What happened was that your e-mail simply was lost in transit. This happens literally only once in every 240 million occurrences. But you’ll never know this or even suspect it because it’s so incredibly rare. You are just left to agonize endlessly about what happened and how it destroyed your career. You’ll lose all confidence, and your life will shatter.”

“But,” she continues, adding a dash of hope, “at least I’m adding a dash of hope.”

Got a question about the news? Ask the Explainer.

Finally the Werewolf faces off with his nemesis…Big…foot!
Gather ’round the radio and click here. NOTE: VC (Very Crass).

Rating: NC-21
Written by: Dirk Voetberg, John Patrick Nelson, Alison Star Locke Nelson, and Jennifer Johnson

Produced by: John Patrick Nelson

The Werewolf: John Patrick Nelson, Ali: Alison Star Locke Nelson, Betty: Jennifer Johnson, Barry: Dirk Voetberg, Bigfoot: Himself

Click up on this piece for more horrifying Werewolf tales!