Bush’s Hindsight Determined by Scientists to Be 20/80

Warshington, DC – After the President’s joint statement last night at the White House with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who sounds like The Beatles when he talks, eye scientists have diagnosed Bush’s hindsight to be approximately 20/80. This low level of visual acuity would usually warrant some type of corrective action but there is as yet no surgery or lenses developed for viewing the past with informed clarity.

Previous to stating last night that perhaps he should not have challenged the terrorists of the world to “bring it on,” Bush’s hindsight was deemed to actually be closer to 20/100. But statements such as “I would have gone into Iraqi the same way if we had to do it again” and “I wish I would have designed ‘No Child Left Behind’ a little dumber” demonstrate the President still falls well short of the 20/20 standard.

Katharine McPhee Disputes “Idol” Election Results, Kat Pack Tanks Advance on Los Angeles

Los Angeles, CA – Katharine McPhee, who, along with Taylor Hicks, was a finalist of Fox Network’s popular “American Idol” reality series, announced this morning that she disputes the results that named Mr. Hicks the overall winner during the 2-hour final episode. Singer Toni Braxton performed in the finale by periodically opening her mouth wide and executing what may be the first instance of what could be best described as yawn-yelping.

“I will do what is necessary to obtain my rightful place as this country’s true American Idol,” declared Ms. McPhee with the mouth she uses to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” over and over again. Judging by the 20 to 30 Scorpion tanks and AH-64 Apache attack helicopters driven and piloted by members of the Kat Pack towards the Fox Network offices in Los Angeles this evening, she is quite serious.

Several U.S. military experts have expressed their surprise that the Kat Pack, Ms. McPhee’s fan club, possesses quite this level of military capability. “However, we’re confident that, because of the short amount of time that has spanned since the beginning of this season of American Idol, when the Kat Pack originated, they do not yet have the means to produce a nuclear weapon.”

“We will be unable to take a role in this conflict,” Donald Rumsfeld, United States Secretary of Defense and notary public, stated. “This is taking place solely in California. We don’t intrude on a state’s rights to take care of their own situation. Katharine McPhee is hot.”

Similarly, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stated with stilted-to-the-point-of-funny English that, since this conflict would probably only affect parts of Los Angeles County, the California state government couldn’t intrude either. “It’s a county-rights issue,” Schwarzenegger said.

Left to defend themselves and with one casualty already (a Mr. Ryan Seacrest), Fox employees gathered any prop guns they could and consulted Kiefer Sutherland for whatever counterterrorist strategy he might remember from the past episodes of “24″ he starred in. Taylor Hicks, the gray-haired crooner who won in last night’s program, which was specially broadcast to even those who live under rocks, offered the services of his Soul Patrol, which would consist primarily of playing fun rockin’ tunes.

(Taylor Hicks [l] and Katharine McPhee [r] perform on “American Idol”)