Morrisey Finally Attains Significant Mainstream Success with His New Single “Shake Ya Junk (’Til Ya Thong Snapz)”

St. Patrick’s Day is coming up and it’s time to celebrate all things Irish for whatever reason! O’click here to check out our picture book versions of classic Irish literature!

What’s the thang in hip-hop nowadays? Beatboxing? Nah, fool. Why would you even say that? That went out with the hi-top fade and “phat”! Hows about lyrics that can be transformed into furniture! Hell no! That’z still 2 decades in da future, cousin! Uh uh. Where it’z at right now is mashups! Takin’ 2 or more trax and puttin’ ‘em together all seamless and like that to make a brand new mad track that’z a piece of art in and of itself!

Our intern at TheDirk.com’s produce department, DJ Wyle Chyle, has labbed a mashup of Brian Wilson’s “Our Prayer/Gee” and Jay-Z’s “Change Clothes” just for you all under his moniker DJ Hardwood Flaaahzzz.

Click up on this piece to download the mad hit “Change Clothes, Then Pray”!

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! - Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wondering in Wichita: Yes?

Dr. Science-Patterson, why do men have nipples? They don’t serve any real purpose, do they? - Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wondering in Wichita: I assume what you really meant to ask is why do women have nipples? And there’s actually a very good (and obvious) reason: to deliver nutrient-rich milk to the woman’s infant.

Bush Sees Hypocrisy in Acceptance of McClatchy’s Purchase of Knight Ridder

“Oh, I see. You all don’t want Arabs running our ports, but you’ll let some Mick run our newspapers!” rants the President.

WARSHINGTON, DC - Worried that many of our nation’s newspapers are at risk of taking on the same lyrical flavor that characterizes much of Irish literature, George Bush, a President of the United States, admonished the public for accepting the purchase of “Knight Rider (sic)” by the McClatchy newspaper chain, claiming this is more dangerous for our country than when the United Arab Emirates proposed management of many U.S. ports — a move many Americans denounced. “And what if these now-Paddy-owned newspapers are forced to start writing in stream-of-consciousness?” Bush posed, referring to a writing style mastered by one of the giants of Irish literature, James Joyce.

Speaking in a stream-of-consciousness style mastered by one of the giants of Irish literature, James Joyce, the President continued to somehow both acknowledge that Knight Ridder is a newspaper chain and also think that it is the famous “smart” car portrayed in TV’s “Knight Rider.” The fact that the car is actually named KITT and not Knight Rider completed an almost fugue-like bout of confusion as Mr. Bush attempted to speak to the kindergarten class of PS 184 in New York City this morning. “The dimensions of the President’s discombobulation right now is almost…beautiful,” marvelled teacher Karen Price as she listened the President. “When this McClatchy fellow is out on a joy ride, probably drunk, I hope Knight Rider is smart enough to take him over a cliff,” said Mr. Bush.

SECRETARY
How was your weekend, Mr. Prime Minister?

WINSTON CHURCHILL
Too short.

THE STORIED CHURCHILL witty comeback above is just one example of the countless “zingers” that helped lift British spirits during the German bombings and two other major events that would round out a nice list of three.

Office humor cliches have survived because they bolster the office environment’s blatant insincerity and tedium. However, we need new office humor cliches that even better capture the essence of the singularly soul-crushing modern office. Try these!

Upon running into someone for a second or third time that day:

OLD: “Hey! We gotta stop meeting like this!”
NEW: “When I saw you last, I asked you to put together that spreadsheet. I haven’t gotten it yet, and that’s unacceptable. Get it done.”

Seeing someone microwaving their lunch:

OLD: “Hey! What are you making me?”

NEW: “How much more time on this? I have stuff to microwave too.”

Walking past a temp filling in for Kathy for the day:

OLD: “Kathy, you look different today!”

NEW: “Oh, good! Another temp we have to spend most of the day training and who, for what’s left of the day, will do everything a little wrong and leave us worse off than if we had just done nothing until Kathy got back!”

Greeting the counterperson in the corporate cafeteria:

OLD: “Hey! You must have been up all night making this food, huh?”

NEW: “Some of that I guess.” (Point at the food you want.)

Leaving the office:

OLD: “Mañana!”

NEW: Silence.

Exactly a little over a year ago, our resident right-wing columnist, Bailey McAdams, debuted on TheDirk.com, correcting us on our views about the war in Iraq. Click up in here to take a look back at his first column!

“Be uh… be careful what you wish for, or you might get it! For example, I once wished for a train to run over my leg. Well, one day it finally happened. But, you know what? It sucked and hurt so bad.” - Wise Man

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson. If God can do anything, can He make a rock so heavy that even He can’t lift it? - Confused in Tempe, AZ

Dear Confused in Tempe, AZ - The answer to this question is also easy. I don’t get why these types of things are such conundrums for people. Anyway, yes, of course He can make a rock that heavy (this would fall under the whole God being able to do anything, right?). Now, as far as Him then being able to lift said rock, He would be able to because He can do anything.