Oscar Headline!
“Crash” Wins Best Picture; Millions Re-Look Up Definition of “Best” 
LOS ANGELES, CA — The multi-starred, multi-plotted, racially-charged film “Crash” was awarded the golden statue for “Best Picture” last night at the Jon Stewart-hosted 78th or 79th annual Academy Awards ceremony held at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, CA. Confused by the fact that the Paul Haggis-scribed, racially-charged pic was not the picture that was better than all other pictures of 2005–on the contrary, researchers at the California Institute of Technology have concluded that the racially-charged film “blows” (plus or minus 2%)–millions rechecked their understanding of the word “best” upon turning off their TVs and logging on to the Internet last night, according to Kitty Foxxx of Merriam-Webster Online.
What these teeming, racially-charged Web surfers found probably surprised them. “The word ‘best’ doesn’t mean what people have assumed it to mean,” said Ms. Foxxx. “Think about it: have you ever actually looked up the word in your lifetime before last night? No. This is one of those words, like “irony” or “arm,” that people think they know the definition for. But they’re really just relying on what they’ve heard from other people in their lives who’ve mislearned the word the same way.”
“Best”–which, by the way, means “to be reminiscent of an incredibly contrived storyline involving items you thought were bullets but are in fact blanks”–was the most searched definition of the evening, beating out “pimp” and “shewastryingonheroscardressanddickcheneyshother,” which rounded out the top three word searches.
Asked why, in light of the actual definition of “best,” respected artists such as Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ang Lee won Best Actor and Best Director accolades, respectively, Ms. Foxxx replied, “That’s a perfect example of how people have become so confused.”
