Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Why do leaves change color during the fall? - Autumn Cherub in Maine

Dear Whatever in Maine: Though this seems like one of those questions that could find its answer through the process of scientific study, it’s actually just an excellently disguised rhetorical question. You’ll have to look within yourself or something to find the answer.

We all get e-mails all day long! Here’s some more to look at! From our friends over there at LX Solution Systems!

We appreciate the positive comments our Amazon reviewer has garnered from other Amazon reviewers. Check them out:

Our resident Amazon reviewer found the new Beatles LP, “Rubber Soul,” an unfortunate turn for the worse. Will the once-invincible Beatles be able to weather the storm of this unequivocal bomb?

Click here to read the review.

Universal Life Church Elects New High Bishop

TUCSON, AZ - In the same way the throngs of eager Romans let out a thunderous roar upon glimpsing the white smoke rising from the Vatican City to usher in a new Pope, those who somehow heard of Dan Stubbler’s election to lead the Universal Life Church as its next High Bishop also seemed to not be too irritated.

But this doesn’t mean there isn’t some ambivalence in the large community of Universal Life Church ministers, who become ordained through a process of filling out a brief form on the church’s Web site and clicking “Submit.” “Apparently this guy (Stubbler) has only married like two couples and they were just his friends,” said Daniel Woo, who, when he’s not attending to his ministerial duties, works 50 hours a week at his IT job, trains for triathalons, raises his children, and teaches youth Bible study at the nearby Emmanual Methodist Church. “Doing your friend’s wedding: If you stumble or crack-up or something while you’re doing that, you’re not going to get in big trouble. But family: I did a wedding for my brother, and that was nerve-racking. If I screwed up, my dad would have been pissed.”

Having endured the grueling selection process of locating the nearly impossible to find “High Bishop” link on the church’s Web site and literally writing a little more in the online form than the typical minister, Stubbler looks forward to his tenure. “I’m gonna make some changes when I get some time. Er…I don’t know.”

But the worry is that Stubbler will impose a new conservatism to the church. This weighs heavy on the mind of Woo and his fellow ministers, who, once a year during the summer months, don’t have a Church Leadership Congress in Tucson. “I’ve heard that he plans to extend the wait for the e-mail that tells you you’re a minister to 48 hours. It’s now 24 hours.” Woo shakes his large head. “What if you didn’t think to apply before only a day before the wedding you have to do? You’d be in trouble. Now, you gotta think of it a day sooner.”

In the late 20’s, many so-called experts proclaimed that introducing sound to the motion picture would ruin the industry. Well, it turns out these so-called experts were right! Numbers and the text that annotate them show that the “talkies” bring in less ticket sales year after year. Yes, the 70-some-year fad has finally lost its novelty. Click here to watch the first of the new “quieties” (for lack of a better term such as “silent movies”). It literally stars the hilarious slapstick team of Kurt Schenk and one of our VPs of Marketing, Dirk Voetberg, and was helmed by the great Craig Shaynak.

Director and Producer: Craig Shaynak
Actors: Kurt Schenk, Dirk Voetberg

“‘Catch a fish for someone, feed them for a day; show them how to fish, feed them for life’ is no longer true. Showing someone how to fish feeds them for only 49 years.”

-Wise Man

DIDYAKNOW that a large percentage of the human body is water? As a matter of fact, it’s a LARGER PERCENTAGE THAN YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED!

DIDYAKNOW that the tallest man in the world is ONLY 6′2″ TALL! THAT’S SHORTER THAN MOST NBA ATHLETES!

DIDYAKNOW that, because prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, there was no other professions by which clients could earn money to pay the first hookers. So it was at this point that men invented love as a means of OBTAINING SEX FOR FREE!

DIDYAKNOW that, in ancient Egypt, cats were considered gods! And that, also in ancient Egypt, gods were considered useless, neurotic PAINS IN THE ASSES THAT PISSED ON FURNITURE!

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! What exactly is the vernal equinox? - Quizzical in Camarillo

Dear Quizzical in Camarillo: This is a question you should already know the answer to. But, okay…Let’s use an analogy to explain it. Pretend that, say, a penny is the Earth. The vernal equinox is when the Sun, which moves along the Eliptic, occupies the point that crosses the Equator while heading north. (You can use something to represent the Eliptic.)